hey peeps! how are you doing today? I cain’t wait to hang again. Did you notice the way I spelled ‘cain’t’? I think that’s how it SHOULD be spelled. It sounds that way neways. Well I’m here all by my self today and I’m wondering what the heck I’m supposed to do with my life. Like, Everyone thinks that since I’m going into the marines that I know automatically what’s going to happen me in the next 5 years. That’s just not true. I have no clue what I’m supposed to do After I get in. right now all I can think about is school. Sad, but true. I can’t focus on anything without thinking that I’m supposed to be doing school work. School school schooooool! I can’t get away from it! I thought my senior year would be easiest…but I’m so worried about everything else that I can’t concentrate and I’m so confused and stressed out. And I really don’t know why I’m stressed except the fact that all I ever do is run places, doing things, then cram school into the mess. I honestly think that the so-called “real world” is going to be so much easier that school life. At least you know what’s coming. You know that you work, sleep, eat, and pay bills. You know life is hard, but you have time to get over that at the end of the day. Now, I am so busy that all I can do at night is school, till I can’t function nemore and so I fall into bed. Does life honestly get worse? How horrid. And I live why??? I have no clue. I floating around doing what I’m told to do and then dreaming of the day that will never come. That day when I can just sit and think about NOTHING. I really can’t do that. I have so much to do that that’s all I can think of when I actually take time to sit. Grr…… I really need a vacation. Just to get away from all the pressure. Everyone expects me to be perfect. None of my teachers understand that I have a life and a half and that I can’t devote all my time to this one subject. Why do grown-ups think that adolescent life is so easy?? Grown-ups.. lol…..when do they stop being grown-ups? How old do you have to be before you understand that we’re all people. Just different ages. Adults think that we have it so easy and that we don’t appreciate all that they go through. Kids are stressed out and don’t understand why adults don’t understand why we’re stressed out. I can’t do this anymore. I have school I should be doing. I’ll talk to you guys later. Peace.

Thank you sososo much for your comment susannah. It was lovely. I have this very strange feeling inside today...like I'm waiting for something to happen...but I don't know what it is. It's so strange. But that's not completely it...there's more to it than that. it's like...I have this yearning...a desire to be...diferent, somehow. I really don't know how to describe it. I have to..I don't know...I'm so restless. I need....help. I have such a busy life,and I get so stressed out about it, but if I do less things, I get so restless and unhappy. I don't know what to do with spare time....
My sister asked me if I could do one thing all day, what would it be? I had no clue. talk to my friends? go to the mall? have a party? just sit and read? I honestly don't know. Pathetic? maybe. I don't know. Wow...I need to go..I'm confusing myself.

Green tomatoes really don't tast as good as red ones.

"I have measured my life in coffee spoons." -T.S. Elliot

Wow I was just reading my post..I spelled like everything wrong. Sorry.

Boo! I was just reading my poem again...it's very depressing. and it dosen't even reflect the way I feel. Actually I feel relitivly happy at the moment. I say reletivly because, for me, this isn't THAT happy...but for normal people...it's pretty darn Joyous. I feel like.....singing. Nice and loud. So that the whole world can hear me. I feel like the whole world needs to know that I'm here and I love EVERYONE!!! I really don't know why I just said that, accept the fact that it's true there is no really reson for me to say nay of this. Wow.......I'm purposless tonight. kool.
I've always had this idea that I'm never doing enough. That I'm lasy or avoiding work. I know that's not true (most of the time..:) because I'm always doing SOMETHING. I can;t be lazy when I don't remember that last time I sat down was. N/m. I do remember. It was in the car on the way back from Karate. Before that....in the car going to Karate...before that.....I have no clue. close as I can figure it was at lunch. grr...I need to slow down. But that's why I'm here. to vent. I HAVE A PUROSE!!! darn it! I was hoping to get out of that for a while.
So! Classes are tomorrow....I'm not sure I like classes. It just seems like a whole lotta work for nothing. no scholarships, no credits (not that I need them) no fun...ok...a LIL fun....
I talked to a guy named Josh today. Weird guy I met at camp 3 years ago who found a way to get my number and who calls me every now and then to whine. I'm surprised I'm in a good mood. WOW! that's awosme! I've defied circumstances and found my inner joy!! Awsomeness!! Well...I have to go share my joy with my house hold. I think they need it.

Luv ya!

Ernie

I wrote a poem, I'm not sure where it came from. I never just write poems. They have to come to me and half the time I don't know what I'm writeing till I've read it myself. I guess I'll post it but its kinda depressing.

They're here, all around me
whispering, always speaking
talking to the depths of my soul.
They laugh, they jeer,
my hearing hightened to their call.
Hating, loving, breathing the same
fingers grapsing, clawing, climbing
reaching to take myself.
From a pit of dispair, pulling
pleasures and life into darkness.
Eyes fail, hands group into that
cloud of cold fomality.
My face forgets it's graces
my thoughts dwell on the immeasurable.
The whispers cease, leaving cold
the quite that ensews.
My demons, being friends,
leave me with none.
My delights, simplicity.
Sun, stars, flowers, forgotten.
Rain...rain only
Washing tears, purging souls,
falling without sound.
Or, if sound, ears, atlast, have failed.
Closed, yes, to music and song.
But closed, with peace, to those whom
I have listened to. Voices no more.



See there. Told you.

Yes Susannah, I do read your comments.
I read a very depressing book. "heart of darkness". Terrible.
It ends with the main character finishing this huge long story by lieing to a friend's "intended" and then going about with life as usual. Awful. poor heartbroken Intended. sigh.
Well, So much for that. I hate school. with a vengance. Mainly because that's what I'm supposed to be doing now. How are we supposed to enjoy childhood when childhood is the only time that we are forced to spend it all doing the very thing the least want to do?? I would rather have a full-time 2nd shift job for the rest of my life than to have to go through 12 or more years of school. I wouldn't make my kids do school if I didn't know that the government would lock me up and take my kids. they do it this way on purpose. By the time you're old enough to legally decide that you won't stand for it any longer, you're out of school. not fair! they cheated!! Grr. I DETEST cheaters!
SO!
who's hungery??
ME!!!!!
Surprise surprise, I know. I can't help it! w/e
I need to go!
I'll ttyl! Bubbye!

What's going on every1?
Omg.....I'm so upset. I went into Claire's today to look at jewelry for prom, and I only found one set that I liked...It's soo pretty...but anyhoo, I forgot to look at the price of that particular necklace and only glanced at the earrings....
Come to find out...I picked the most expensive things I could have.....and I didn't even notice until I was balancing my checking account afterward. I spent $40 on jewelry!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's terrible! I've NEVER spent that much on something like that! I rarely spend that much at once on ANYTHING! I'm sooo upset...
But I love it soo much...and I got a job this weekend that will just cover the prom stuff and x-mas gifts I bought today...so I don't feel TOO awful about it. just..I need to be more careful.
LOL! I was in the mall with mom and Taylor, and mom decided that Taylor needed new pants (which he did) so we went into Maurice'sfor him. While we were in there, a guy walked in, about my age and kinda cute, and started looking at some shirts...the sales ladies were older and were trying to get him to put this black shirt on... then one of them asked ME which one looked best on him....
I hate being honest.
I HAD to tell the truth, right?? grr..
so I said... "well, honestly, this shirt here would look better than either of those two. And maybe unbuttoned with a shirt underneath." (thank goodness I didn't blurt "neither!")
well, the ladies grabbed the blue buttonup and pushed him into the changing room with one of the black ones they had been looking at.
When he came out, I told him that a dark blue one would look better. and sure enough, he came out looking like a American Eagle model. After he left the ladies asked me if I wanted a job! lol.
Oh well....guess they need younger people to work with younger people's clothes.
I g2g...ttyl

~*~Ernie~*~