Don't worry, my doubts are dispersed...for now. It's amazing. I was working this week (lifeguarding, that is...) and the people that i was working with found out about my inentions to join our military. As soon as they started asking me why I felt that way I imediatly felt better about my desicion. Almost like I had to talk myself into it again.....strange.
So anyway! I would have posted sooner but we lost power and I have been so busy that this is the first time I've been able to get on the computer. It was soooo weird!!!!!! While I was working (back to the work thing, I know..) I met this kid, wait.... I'll start at the begining. I was asked to lifeguard at camp graystone for this group of Freshmen from a private school in atlanta. rich kids! GRRR! Anywho! While I was gaurding I met the kid who, if I had closed my eyes, would have been Jared Hostetler. He sounded like him, he acted like him, and he even kinda looked like him. Tall, thin, longish dark hair...it was VERY weird. And he was the same age! it was all too surreal. He and his friends kept hanging out around where I was and talking to me. I think the poor guy might have had a crush. *sigh* Oh well... and he was such a nice kid, too.
Well, I can't wait to have another dance party like the one we had last night! It was sooo fun! And just knowing that there were no stupid guys watching made it so muvh easier to dance! NOW I'm excited about prom! Wooo hooo!
Welps I g2g...I'll ttyl!!!!!!!!!! Bubbye!

~*~Ernie~*~

"We fall down, and lay our crowns at the feet of Jesus,
the greatness of His Mercy and Love, at the feet of Jesus.
And we cry, 'holy, holy, holy' we cry 'holy, holy, holy'
we cry 'holy, holy, holy is the lamb' "

That is the most difficult song! To actually lay our crowns down and surrender to His greatness has got to be the battle most often fought by us and fellow Chirstians. I was talking to a friend named Rachel and we were talking about giving things over to Christ, and she made the most perfect comment to describe my feelings. I had just told her to keep giving it to God and she said; "But I don't want to keep giving it to God. I want to give Him everything and not have to worry about anything anymore. Why can't I just give Him everything now??"
Why can't we just give it up all at once?? At what point do we take it back? Why don't we notice that we're worrying about it again? And did we ever give it up totally in the first place? AHH! So many questions...so few people who can answer them....
Any one have any thoughts?? email me about it.

I AM UNDERSTOOD?!! That's it!! that's my favorite song!! I love the first verse best. It so completely tells me everything I'm feeling without me realizing it. you know?

"Sometimes it's embarrasing to talk to you, to hold a conversation with the only one who sees right through this version of myself I try to hide behind. I bury my face because my disgrace will leave me terrified. And sometimes I'm so thankful for Your loyalty, Your love regardless of the mistakes will spoil me, my confidence is, in a sense, a gift You've given me, and I'm satisfied to realize that You're all I'll ever need."

Wow....I am understood...how comforting...I needed that. You know...More than anything else, what helps me to understand myself is to try to explain how I feel in words. It sheds light into places I never knew existed. Almost...creepy.

I'm getting ready to go to Karate...YEA! I love Karate. It makes me feel...idk...like I'm good at something. Everyone needs to feel good at something...that seems like the only thing I have a talent for.
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE pray HARD for me. Satan is planting alllll these doubts into my head about my future and my own motives. While I know that God called me into the military, I'm still getting these thoughts of "you won't be good at it." "you can't handle it" "you only joined to prove something to your peers" "you just wanted to suck up to Sensei" And NONE of those things are true! I know it, God knows it, And I think you guys know that...so why do I believe it??? How is it possible to be so certain on week and to be completely in the dark the next?? I don't get it. But in heart I know that I have to...not only because I've joined and can't get out, but because this is IT, if you know what I mean. That one big break that you get that pours light and purpose into your life. Kinda like "The One" in a materialistic and career sort of way. So how do doubts creep in? It's like I shut the doors and windows and they come in through the ceiling! I can't stop them..or even disregard them. there's no ignoring this heaviness in my chest. almost physical heaviness. It's not physical, I'm sure. I weighed. no joke...
BTW....I STILL weight 123. Grr! I CAN"T gain weight! None! Not one measly pound! Phooey! I hate myself. no I guess not.... Hate is a strong word. I dislike myself. So on the nice perky note I'll leave you to your own wonderings . I'm sure you have just more than you can handle without me confusing you with mine. I'll ttyl! Bubbye!

Love always,

~*~Ernie~*~

Hey guys!
I just went for a run and I feel GREAT!! Tired, but great. One song keeps coming to my mind right now, Idk y. Maybe it's a sign. Oh well.. here's the line that stands out most;

"It's alright, it's ok, I won't worry about tomorrow, for it brings me one more day closer than I was to You."

That really is what I needed to hear today. I've been worrying about stuff. For no apparent reason. I guess that;s how it goes, huh?

So what do you think about chinese pickles?? I've never, personally, eaten them, but I hear that they're very good. Actually, now that I think about it, I've never even heard of chinese pickles. Sad. They sound very nice. *sign* another dream bites the dust.

I'm listening to the TV going while my family eats... Nearly all the comertials now-a-daysare for either tv shows or drugs (Medicine guys!! you know what I'm talking about!). Do you know why????? Cause America's fat. that's what it biols down to! Think about it! all the problems that we have can be linked to food!
Deppression- I'm fat ugly and tired! I must be depressed.
Pain medication- fat people hurt themselves trying to get thin.
Acne medicine- you eat greezy food...you get greezy skin.
Headache medication- Fat people worrying about their weight.
birth control- well, they need to feel beautiful so....
Indigestion- I think that explains it's self.
Heartburn- ditto
Non-Smoking drugs- people start smoking more so that they can keep from eating so much.
Allergies- they are always eating so they never get outside to get used to the pollen and dirt.
foot fungus- these people are getting so big, they can't reach their toes to clean them anymore!!
Blatter control- you eat waaaay to much sugar and not enough good, non-fatty protein and your bound to get problems like that.


All these are just a joke you know...right? I didn't offend neone did I?
Well if I did, I don't have a guestbook for you to complain in so...it's YOUR problem!

Well, I g2g...I'm hungry (big surprise right?)
so I'll ttyl and Luv you always!!!!

Ernie

Hey guys!
I'm trying to get a guestbook, but the intructions aren't helping me cause my file type is different...at least that's what it keeps flashing...I HATE COMPUTERS!!!!! Sorry I needed to get that out of my system.
OK...now that you guys know what's going on, I'll leave. Bubbye!

I am attempting to re-start my blog...susannah, you might be the only one reading this till I get back in the swing of things. My mother is calling me to lunch I shall be back.

I've started on a book...sort of about my life....but not really. More dramatic..more exciting..just more everything. My life the way it could have been. Taking the small things about myself and making them huge and itimidating. I haven't got a name for it, yet..but I shall have one soon. My charater's name is Virginia Nicole Parker. People call her Nicole or "Nikky". I shall just have to let you read the book as it comes along. Probably very slowly at first, because I just don't have time. Maybe I'll just put small portions up on my blog... I don't know.

My karate life has (or feels like it has) come to a screeching halt. I've missed four classes in a row! Do you know how out-of-shape I feel?!?! It's crazy! It's like I'm addicted to it. I need a good portion of it in my life or I go nuts! I have to keep telling myself that everything will go back to normal soon. I will go back to school, go to karate, start piano, and virtually start living again. I feel so isolated... I call it homeschool syndrome. The feeling like you never get to do anything or go anywhere. please don't tell me I'm the only one who gets feelings like this.
I also need prayer. for my youth group. They just don't seem to be listening to me anymore. Like they just don't care. I can't get them to pay attention! and it's hard to go from being their friend, to being a teacher, back to being their friend. In the back of my mind I know I can't do both, but I don't want to give either one of the two up. I hold both very dear. AHH! Why is life so complex?? Sometimes I just want to leave...go somewhere far far away and forget everything I've ever know just for a weeks or so. It's like, Mid-life crisis: the early years. PEOPLE HELP!! I don't know what to do!

On a more non-serious note, I am staring at a rubber chicken lying on the desk wondering not only how and why it is there, but also how God could possibly create any animal as random and rediculous as the chicken or duck and not be found to have a sense of humor, I mean come on!(talk about a run-on setence!) they are hilarious to look at! with the big puffy feathers and the tiny head and weird feet....funny funny funny.

Welps peeps,, I g2g. I'll ttyl. Luv yuns lots!!

Ernie