"We fall down, and lay our crowns at the feet of Jesus,
the greatness of His Mercy and Love, at the feet of Jesus.
And we cry, 'holy, holy, holy' we cry 'holy, holy, holy'
we cry 'holy, holy, holy is the lamb' "

That is the most difficult song! To actually lay our crowns down and surrender to His greatness has got to be the battle most often fought by us and fellow Chirstians. I was talking to a friend named Rachel and we were talking about giving things over to Christ, and she made the most perfect comment to describe my feelings. I had just told her to keep giving it to God and she said; "But I don't want to keep giving it to God. I want to give Him everything and not have to worry about anything anymore. Why can't I just give Him everything now??"
Why can't we just give it up all at once?? At what point do we take it back? Why don't we notice that we're worrying about it again? And did we ever give it up totally in the first place? AHH! So many questions...so few people who can answer them....
Any one have any thoughts?? email me about it.

I AM UNDERSTOOD?!! That's it!! that's my favorite song!! I love the first verse best. It so completely tells me everything I'm feeling without me realizing it. you know?

"Sometimes it's embarrasing to talk to you, to hold a conversation with the only one who sees right through this version of myself I try to hide behind. I bury my face because my disgrace will leave me terrified. And sometimes I'm so thankful for Your loyalty, Your love regardless of the mistakes will spoil me, my confidence is, in a sense, a gift You've given me, and I'm satisfied to realize that You're all I'll ever need."

Wow....I am understood...how comforting...I needed that. You know...More than anything else, what helps me to understand myself is to try to explain how I feel in words. It sheds light into places I never knew existed. Almost...creepy.

I'm getting ready to go to Karate...YEA! I love Karate. It makes me feel...idk...like I'm good at something. Everyone needs to feel good at something...that seems like the only thing I have a talent for.
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE pray HARD for me. Satan is planting alllll these doubts into my head about my future and my own motives. While I know that God called me into the military, I'm still getting these thoughts of "you won't be good at it." "you can't handle it" "you only joined to prove something to your peers" "you just wanted to suck up to Sensei" And NONE of those things are true! I know it, God knows it, And I think you guys know that...so why do I believe it??? How is it possible to be so certain on week and to be completely in the dark the next?? I don't get it. But in heart I know that I have to...not only because I've joined and can't get out, but because this is IT, if you know what I mean. That one big break that you get that pours light and purpose into your life. Kinda like "The One" in a materialistic and career sort of way. So how do doubts creep in? It's like I shut the doors and windows and they come in through the ceiling! I can't stop them..or even disregard them. there's no ignoring this heaviness in my chest. almost physical heaviness. It's not physical, I'm sure. I weighed. no joke...
BTW....I STILL weight 123. Grr! I CAN"T gain weight! None! Not one measly pound! Phooey! I hate myself. no I guess not.... Hate is a strong word. I dislike myself. So on the nice perky note I'll leave you to your own wonderings . I'm sure you have just more than you can handle without me confusing you with mine. I'll ttyl! Bubbye!

Love always,

~*~Ernie~*~