Oximorons

I know that last post was really long, and I really contridicted myself in the end.. I started off really depressing, and then I got really motivated! oh well! hope you don't fall asleep...

pools of self pity and doubt....swimming... mmm.

Well, That's about all I have to say on that subject. NEXT!

I have a very strange problem. I don't have a life, at least, not the type of life that is good for me. I have school that I squeeze in between poolie stuff and church and karate and everything else that I'm supposed to do, and I never have time to just hang out and have fun. I can't remember the last time I was with a group of my friends and was just able to laugh... I really miss that. Laughing seems like such a simple thing to crave, but I crave it nonetheless. Oh, it's not like I DON'T laugh, it's just not the kind of laughing that make you throw back your head with tears streaming down your face. Or even the kind of laughing where you feel comfortable. The kind where you don't have to quit. I guess I just need time with friends.

Welps... I now have all the motivation I need to get through boot camp. I know that was random and unexplaned, but it's what's on my mind.. or in me head,.... whichever.
I have a new recruter, he has to be my favorite! omg, I have so much to talk about... I guess I have to start at the beginning and keep some sort of timeline so you guys can keep up. The Henderson poolies met at 830 and started driving towards Cashiers (bout two hours away) where another poolie lives. I, being the only girl, have claimed the front seat as my own, and no one challenges me because Gunny said so, and Gunny's a sniper. (hehe.. go me!) ANYWAY! We get to a gas station where we're supposed to meet this guy, and we all need to go to the bathroom, but I helped Gunny unload first. The bathrooms were in the back of the building outside and near the dumpsters. When I finally got back there, I was the only poolie and I was surrounded by latino men. At least 20 were back there and they really started to get loud. It made me so mad! And scared! Crude comments like "hey, can I come in there with you?" and junk like that. Cat calls and stuff all over the place. I, being me, rolled my eyes visably and ignored them. When I got back to the van, I was kind shook up cause they were all up on my case and all that... kinda thought I might have to punch one of them. Well, when I got back, Gunny, being as awsome as he is, asked me what was wrong.. "nuttin" I say... "yeah well," he replys "I've never seen anyone as happy and motivated as you go to the bathroom and loose it all. what's up?"
When I told him that they had made cat calls, he got so mad. He was all like "That's disrespectful to women! I can't stand that! Idiots! I gotta go!" he jumps out of the van and throws on his cover(hat) and walks back towards the group of guys. He picked the biggest, meanest looking one and stared him down. "Who made a call at my girl? Which one was it? Do you make a practise of degrading women? What were you thinking, son? You think you'll do that ever again?"
man... I was in shock.. I couldn't believe he did that for me... or for anyone for that matter. I told the guys that I was shocked that he had done that and they got upset. They all said that they would have done the same thing if Gunny haden't jumped up. They were hurt that I didn't think that they would... they were all honestly upset that those guys had hooted at me! It was so sweet!! I could have just cried and hugged them all.

We finally got to the community center and did our IST (initial strangth test) (1 1/2 mile run, bar hang, sit ups) and then Gunny thrashed us. (heavy exersize) we did all sorts of jumping jacks, leg lifts, crunches, sprints, twists, and everything else on the planet. We could hardly stand. But I did really well. Only one guy beat my time and my crunches... by 10 secs and one crunch... THEN as if we weren't dead enough... Gunny loaded us up and took us to the Nanhala National Forest... to hike... and not just any up hill, ten mile hike, but one with a pace as fast as you can go without jogging. Try walking as fast as you can and that's about how fast we were going. The only guy that had been there before had never been the full round, so we ended up taking a wrong turn and going 5 miles out of the way straight uphill and back around. You couldn't even get up without using your hands, that's how steep it was. Our legs felt like they were going to fall off after the first 7 miles... that's when we stopped to eat a bananna. That's it... a bananna. When we were done, we were so cold in our sweaty shirts that we were looking forward to get 'walking' again. The last 3 miles of the now 15 mile hike were actually the best. It kinda got to where we felt a numb pain all over but our bodies had been walking for about 3 and 1/2 hours so it became almost habit. Gunny made us stop once to get a picture and we almost didn't get started again. And once we got started, we seriously were dreading stopping cause your muscles would hurt worse when you stopped moving. Tried, VERY muddy, and motivated, we got back to the van and begged for Subway. We each ate a footlong sub, two cookies, and a bag of chips with about two cups of water. Three for me. I drank over a gallon of water that day. And the day before just to be prepared. That's we Gunny told us this:

"This has been really our first outing together as just hendersonville. I am really proud of you guys and very impressed at your drive and ambition. You guys pulled each other through and worked better as a team than a lot of the platoons that I have lead. You guys don't realize it today, but what you just went through, at this elevation and in this cold and with so little food is about what boot camp will be like on a bad day. Parris Island is flat as a board, and you poolies just conquered a mountain. If you can get through what I have put you through today, you can get through anything."

I was so proud of my poolies that day!! It was like the feeling you get when your best friend or your little brother or sister gets the most prestigous award ever. It was only this morning when I realized that I had gotten through that too, and I had reason to be proud of myself. I am finally confident that I CAN get through boot camp. I have this deep trust within myself that God can get me through anything. There were times on that trail that I prayed only for the strength to life my leg one more time. And God did it. He pulled me through. And I couldn't have done it if God hadn't put those exact people in my poolie group. We were what each other needed to get through it. When one of us would fall behind, the rest would go back and grab him. One guy was really hurting on the run, and we all one by one as we finished, circled one last time beside him to pull him through. I am so proud of our comraderie and friendship that I could just burst! I wish I could share it with you guys. Now I KNOW, I know that I know that I know that this is the feeling that I want with me all of my life, and that it's in the Marines that I can find the strength within myself, in God, and in my Marines to get through ANY circumstance! OO-RAH!

Battling.... myself?

I feel like such an idiot. I do the stupidest things, and I don't even appriciate the things that God does for me... He works all these little miracles and I don't even notice.. ARGGGGG!!!!
I really can't stand myself sometimes.

Idiosyncro-what?

I have a problem. Things bug me. No really, they bug me a lot. I noticed today in Karate that certain things just drive me insane!
If someone sneezes, I HAVE to say 'bless you'. I was in the middle of class, and someone in the back sneezed, and I am STILL thinking about how I should have turned around, found the culprit, and told the 'bless you'. I REALLY have a problem with this! It drives me insane to not say it! I will think about this for days, and most likely, next time I see them. I will tell them bless you anyways. Arg... I can't help it.
I also have a compulsive nature to pick things up. If I or someone else drops something, I NEED to pick it up. And not just litter. If someone is at their house and drops a paper onto the floor, if I don't pick it up, I will think about it an feel guilty until I go and pick it up. If, heaven forbid, I leave before I can pick it up, I will think about it and stay awake all night. It really bothers me. I really can't stand it. AH!
Ok, I think that's all that bothers me.. I don't know... oh yes. I can't stand it when people read over my shoulder. THAT bothers me alot! it makes me very uncomfortable. Just so you know... lol

My spiritual life is really good... I really feel like I'm making some progress. However, I cannot talk about it tonight because I'm tired and honestly I'm not in the mood to share deep personal things and progresses. Goodnight. TTYL and don't forget to... *sleeps*, * wakes up to the feeling of keyboard on her forehead* *ouch* nevermind.

Experiences of the God-kind

God is really awsome. He is sooo big that we all have such a different expiriance, and yet they're all correctly God's personality... He's just ... huge. I was reading in 1st Corinthians today and it was really cool. Everything that has come up lately, questions asked of me and subjects that have come up in youth group were all there. Paul knew exactly what was going on and the questions that humans asked... How cool.
I just needed to post these lyrics.. have fun...

I So Hate Consequenses
(just the last part)

All of my escapes have been exhausted: I thought I had a way but then I lost it: And my resistance was once much stronger: And I know I can't go on like this much longer

When I got tired of running from you: I stopped right there to catch my breath: There Your words they cut my ears: You said, "I miss you son, come home": and my sins they watched me leave, and in my heart I so believe: The love You felt for me was mine, The love I'd wished for all this time: And when the doors were closed I heard no I told you so's: I said the words I knew you knew: OH God, oh God I needed you: God all this time I needed You, I needed You.
And I so hate consequenses: And running from you is what my best defense is: Consequenses: God don't make me face up to this: and I so hate consequenses And running from You is what my best defense is: Cause I know that I let you down: And I don't wanna deal with that...



Great words... I love them.. makes me feel like I'm not alone in the way I feel... haha.

Welps... I need to go.. I'm tired and I need a nap b4 karate tonight...
Adios!