Quotes

"Television is a wonderful invention. If anything important happens, anytime, day or night, rain or shine, sleet or ice, no matter where you are, you can always change the chanel. "

"Evening news is where they begin with 'good evening' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't."

"Anytime I see something screech across a room andlatch on to someone's neck, and the guy screams and tries to get if off, I have to laugh, beacuse what is that thing? "

"To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering, one must not love. But then, one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer; not to love is to suffer; to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy, then, is to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be happy, one must love or love to suffer or suffer from too much happiness." -Woody Allen


I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us.Pigs treat us as equals. -Sir Winston Churchill


Bessie Braddock: "Winston, your drunk! Churchill: "Bessie, your ugly, but tomorrow morning I shall be sober


Lady Astor: "Winston, if you were my husband I would flavour your coffee with poison" Churchill: "Madam, if I were your husband, I should drink it"


Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing ever happened. -Sir Winston Churchill

Last night, I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?"

"In the name of peace, we kill each other. In the name of religion, we kill each other. So we decided to laugh at that."

"It is a puzzling thing. Truth knocks on the door and you say "go away, I'm looking for the Truth." And so it goes away. Puzzling."


"The long term is just a bunch of short terms taped together." -Nick Lappos

"Always and never are two words that you should always remember never to use."

Any man, in the right situation, is capable of muder. But not any man is capable of being a good camper. So, murder and camping are not a similar as you might think."

I bet when Neanderathal kids would make a snowman, someone would always end up saying, "Don't forget the thick, heavy brows." then they would all get embarrassed because they remembered they had the big, hunky brows too, and they'd get mad and eat the snowman."

"If at first you don't succeed......... Skydiving is not for you."

"When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?"

"when someone with multiple personalities theartens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?"

"If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?"

"What happens when you get scard half to death twice?"

"When will Erin stop this insanity and become a normal person?" wait... that's not a quote...